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Encyclopedia > Russian joke

Russian jokes or anekdoty (Russian: анекдо́ты), the most popular form of Russian humour, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line. Russian joke culture features a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russians love jokes on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex, politics, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russian or Soviet culture. A joke is a short story or short series of words spoken or communicated with the intent of being laughed at or found humorous by the listener or reader. ... Russian humour gains much of its wit from the great flexibility and richness of the Russian language, allowing for plays on words and unexpected associations. ... Punchline is also the name of a 1988 film. ... Wikimedia Commons has media related to: Sex positions Francoeur, Robert T. (ed. ... Look up Politics on Wiktionary, the free dictionary Politics (disambiguation) Democracy History of democracy List of democracy and elections-related topics List of years in politics List of politics by country articles Political corruption Political economy Political movement Political parties of the world Political party Political psychology Political sociology Political... Although humour and jokes about ones mother-in-law (the mother of ones spouse) are nowadays considered politically incorrect, they were once the mainstay of British comedians such as Les Dawson and Jim Davidson. ... State motto (Russian): Пролетарии всех стран, соединяйтесь! (Transliterated: Proletarii vsekh stran, soedinyaytes!) (Translated: Workers of the world, unite!) Capital Moscow Official language None; Russian (de facto) Government Federation of Socialist republics/ Communist state Area  - Total  - % water Largest on the planet 22,402,200 km² ?% Population  - Total  - Density 3rd before collapse 293,047,571 (July...


Every category has a host of hopelessly untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's rich vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.

Contents


Stereotypes

Fixed characters

Standartenführer Stirlitz

Standartenführer Stirlitz, alias Colonel Isayev is a character from a Soviet TV series (based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov about a Soviet intelligence officer who infiltrates Nazi Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann and Heinrich Müller. Usually two-liners told in parody of the stern and solemn announcement style of the background voice in the original series, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of overly-smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz. SS-Standartenführer insignia Standartenführer was a Nazi Party paramilitary rank that was used in both the SA and the SS. First created as a title in 1925, in 1928 the rank became one of the first commissioned Nazi ranks and was bestowed upon those SA and SS officers... Vyacheslav Tikhonov as Stirlitz Otto von Stierlitz (Russian: , transcibed Stirlitz) is a hero of a popular Russian book series written by novelist Julian Semyonov and of television series Seventeen Instants of Spring and feature films, produced in the Soviet era. ... Colonel (Spanish: Coronel; German: Oberst; Russian:Полко́вник/Polkovnik) is both a military rank and civilian title, used by nearly every country in the world. ... Yulian Semyonov (Юлиа́н Семёнович Семёнов) (October 8, 1931 - September 5, 1993), Russian writer. ... Vyacheslav Tikhonov (February 8, 1928) is a famous Soviet actor, a recipient of numerous state awards. ... See Intelligence Officers ... It has been suggested that this article or section be merged into Nazism. ... SS-Obergruppenführer Dr. Ernst Kaltenbrunner Ernst Kaltenbrunner (October 4, 1903 – October 16, 1946) was a senior Nazi official during World War II. // Early Life Born in Ried im Innkreis, Austria, he was the son of a lawyer. ... Martin Bormann in the uniform of an honorary SS-Obergruppenführer Martin Bormann (June 17, 1900 – May 2, 1945) was a prominent German National Socialist official who became head of the Party Chancellery (Parteikanzlei) and Private Secretary to Adolf Hitler, gaining his trust and deriving immense power within the Third... Heinrich Müller (May 28, 1900-?) was the head of Nazi Germanys RSHAs Amt IV and led the Gestapo from 1939 until his mysterious disappearance at the close of the World War II on the 29th of April 1945. ...

  • Müller returns to his office and sees Stirlitz kneeling in front of the safe. "What are you doing here?" asks Müller. / "I'm waiting for the tram." / "Ah, I see," says Müller and walks out. "...Wait a minute, how can a tram go through my office?" Müller soon realises and rushes back, but Stirlitz has disappeared. "He caught the tram, then," thinks Müller.
  • The words "Stirlitz is an asshole!" were written in chalk on the wall of the Reichs chancellory. The entire Nazi party was snickering about it... And only Stirlitz knew that he had been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.
  • (L) "Stirlitz! You are a Jew!", suddenly barks Müller. "I'm Russian," briskly retorts Stirlitz, and Müller responds: "Well, I'm a German one" (wordplay: "russian" and "russian one" are same in russian).
  • Stirlitz sits in his office. Someone knocks. "It's Bormann," thinks Stirlitz. "Yes, it's me," thinks Bormann.
  • Stirlitz busted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.
  • Stirlitz opened the door. The light went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went off. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went on! Stirlitz closed the door. The light went off! "Fridge!!!" concluded Stirlitz.
  • Stirlitz thought. He liked it and thought once again.
  • (L)Shtirlitz fired blindly. The blind one fell. (wordplay: "vslepuyu" = shooting blindfolded; "v slepuyu" = "into a blind lady")
  • (L)Shtirlitz sat in his office reading through a backlog of secret dispatches from Kremlin when in rushed Müller, grabbed the sheet at the top of the pile of dispatches and ran back out again. "Whew," thought Shtirlitz, "good thing he didn't notice my piles!" "Yeah," thought Müller, "I was too preoccupied with my own!" (wordplay: in the original joke, Shtirlitz said "Uf, proneslo", meaning "Whew, crisis averted," and Müller thought back "in reply" "Tebya by tak proneslo!" meaning a wish of his own trouble upon Shtirlitz - namely, diarrhea.)

A modern tram in the Töölö district of Helsinki, Finland Volkswagen Cargo-Tram in Dresden. ... Hero of the Soviet Union (Russian: Герой Советского Союза) was the highest honorary title and the superior degree of distinction of the former USSR. It included the Order of Lenin (the highest Soviet award) and, as the sign of excellence, the Gold Star medal with the certificate of the heroic deed (gramota) from...

Poruchik Rzhevsky

Poruchik (lieutenant) Rzhevsky is a fictional cavalry officer interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevsky, famous of brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. As it was fashionable among the Russian nobility at the time to speak French, Rzhevsky occasionally uses French expressions, of course with a heavy Russian accent. The Poruchik himself (or rather, his name) became a popular joke character after the 1962 movie release of the romantic comedy musical Hussar Ballad set in the context of the Patriotic War of 1812. On-screen Rzhevsky, the main male character of this production, is an exalted romantic lover, rather than a mundane womanizer. Rzhev is the uppermost town situated on the Volga river. ... War and Peace (Война и мир [Voyna i mir], in original orthography Война и миръ) is an epic novel of Russian history and society by Leo Tolstoy, first published from 1865 to 1869, which tells the story of Russia during the Napoleonic Era. ... Leo Tolstoy, pictured late in life Count Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy listen [â–¶] (Russian: Лев Никола́евич Толсто́й; commonly referred to in English as Leo Tolstoy) (September 9, 1828 – November 20, 1910; August 28, 1828 – November 7, 1910, O.S.) was a Russian novelist, social reformer, pacifist, Christian anarchist, vegetarian, moral thinker and an influential member... Alternative meaning: Nineteenth Century (periodical) (18th century — 19th century — 20th century — more centuries) As a means of recording the passage of time, the 19th century was that century which lasted from 1801-1900 in the sense of the Gregorian calendar. ... 1962 was a common year starting on Monday (link will take you to calendar). ... The invasion of the Russian Empire led by Napoleon in 1812 was a critical turning point in the Napoleonic wars. ...

  • Kniaz Obolenski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how come you're so good with the ladies? Tell me your secret!" / "It's quite simplement, Kniaz, quite simplement. I just come over and ask: 'Let's boink!'" / "But Poruchik, you can get slapped in the face like that!" / "Oui, some slap, but some boink!"
  • Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Have you got a new pun for me to tell there?" — "Sure, master, how about this song: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in the Eden...'" — "A good one!". Later, at the ball: "Messieurs, messieurs! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam boinked Eve early at the dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve all through the night ...' Er... Hell, of course they had sex, but it was absolutement splendid in the verse!"
  • Poruchik Rzhevsky is dancing with Natasha Rostova at the Grand Ball and suddenly he needs to take a leak. Being polite, he says to his lady: "Natasha, I beg your pardon to take a brief leave to check on my horse." In five minutes he is back, wet from his spurs to epaulets. "Is it rainy, poruchik?" wonders Natasha. "No, windy, mademoiselle."
  • -Colonel, asked Poruchik Rzhevsky, -What were your main hobbies, when you were younger? -Hunting and women, said colonel. -What were you hunting for? -For women.
  • Poruchik Rzhevsky puts his clothes on and is about to leave a lady he met yesterday. -Hey, you forgot the money, shouted the girl. Rzhevsky sharply turned around and said firmly: -Hussars do not take money.

Kniaz’ or knyaz (князь in Russian and Ukrainian; cneaz in Romanian fem. ... See also War and Peace (album) War and Peace (Война и мир [Voyna i mir], in original orthography Война и миръ) is an epic novel of Russian history and society by Leo Tolstoy, first published from 1865 to 1869, which tells the story of Russia during the Napoleonic Era. ... A spur is a metal instrument composed of a shank, neck, and prick, rowel (sharp-toothed wheel), or blunted end fastened to the heel of a horseman. ... Epaulette [pronunciation: ĕp-ǝ-lĕt] is a French word meaning verbatim, little shoulders (epaule, referring to shoulder), often describes the shoulder decorations such as insignia or rank, especially in military or other organizations worn on the shoulder. ...

Rabinovich

Rabinovich, an archetypal Russian Jew; a hater of the Soviet government, often an otkaznik (refusenik), who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel. Refusenik (Soviet Union) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia /**/ @import /skins-1. ...

  • Rabinovich fills out an application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"
  • Seeing a pompous and luxurious burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head: "What a waste! With all this money I could have buried the whole Politburo!"
  • Every day Rabinovich takes a paper from the paper stall, reads the front page and puts it back. After some time the paper salesperson asks him: "What are you looking in the paper?" / "An obituary." / "But the obituaries are printed on the last pages..." / "The one I am looking will be printed on the frontpage!"
  • Rabinowich works in the Kremlin. He sits on Spassky Tower and looks into the distance in order to signal when he sees the communist ideal approaching. Americans try to lure him to their side to help them predict when an economic crisis is coming. Rabinowich, however, refuses their offer, insisting, "I need a permanent job."
  • Rabinowich passes by a giant banner proclaiming: "LENIN IS DEAD, BUT HIS MESSAGE LIVES ON!!" "I'd rather he lived on," thought Rabinowich.
  • Rabinowich comes to attend the funeral of Chernenko. "Your ticket?" asks the security officer. "I've got a season's pass for these shows," answers Rabinowich.
  • Rabinowich passes before the VIP tribunes during the November Day parade and raises his hand in greeting: "My warmest regards!" "Rabinowich, since when do you love them so much?" asks quietly his friend Abramowich who is walking beside him. "Well," says Rabinowich, "I couldn't just flat out tell them 'burn in hell' now, could I?"

The Politburo (in Russian: Политбюро), known as the Presidium from 1952 to 1966, functioned as the central policymaking and governing body of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. ... Chernenko Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko (Константи́н Усти́нович Черне́нко) (September 24, 1911 - March 10, 1985) was a Soviet politician and General Secretary of the CPSU who led the Soviet Union from February 13, 1984 until his death just eleven months later. ...

Vovochka

Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Ms Mar'ya Ivanovna. The name itself is a highly dimunitive form (Vovochka<Vova<Volodya<Vladimir) which creates the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly dimunitive names, such as Mashen'ka (<Masha<Mariya), Peten'ka(<Petya<Pyotr), Vasen'ka(<Vasya<Vasilij), etc. This "little boy" name is used to contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, very adult, often obscene statements. Some of these jokes also play on "Vovochka" being a diminutive for "Vladimir", the first name of the Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin (as exemplified by the first joke). Little Johnny jokes are about a small boy who likes to ask innocent questions and has a very straightforward thinking. ... Leaders of the Bolshevik Party and the Communist International, a painting by Malcolm McAllister on the Pathfinder Mural in New York City and on the cover of the book Lenin’s Final Fight published by Pathfinder. ... Vladimir Ilyich Lenin (Russian: Влади́мир Ильи́ч Ле́нин listen ▶(?)), original surname Ulyanov (Улья́нов) (April 22 (April 10 (O.S.)), 1870 – January 21, 1924), was a Russian revolutionary, the leader of the Bolshevik party, the first Premier of the Soviet Union, and the main theorist of Leninism, which he described as an adaptation of Marxism to...

  • Vovochka, having received an 'F' in math, gets back home depressed: "Mama, Mama, I have gotten an 'F' in math". "Ah, leave me alone, boy, as if it's not enough that your elder brother Sashka has thrown a bomb at the Tsar!!!" (a historical fact, Aleksandr Ulyanov was a bomb-throwing terrorist).
  • In botany class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a prick, Marivanna!" Mar'ya Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "You, class 4-B, are the worst one in the entire school! Yesterday you broke the window, and today...," he glimpses at the blackboard, "...and today you draw a prick on the blackboard?!"
  • The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!". The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such a word!". "That's strange," muses Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't?"

Per the last example, some jokes, no matter the characters, occasionally not only bear the surface humor value, but also raise, or play off of, interesting philosophical issues, often far deeper than those one would expect their characters to actually ponder. Alexander Ulyanov Mugshot Aleksandr Ilyich Ulyanov (Александр Ильич Ульянов in Russian) (1866-May 8, 1887) was a Russian revolutionary, one of the leaders of Pervomartovtsi, older brother of V.I. Lenin. ... Botany is the scientific study of plant life. ... Binomial name Cucumis sativus L. Ref: ITIS 22364 The cucumber is the edible fruit of the cucumber plant Cucumis sativus, which belongs to the gourd family Cucurbitaceae, as do melons and squash. ... Look up Prick on Wiktionary, the free dictionary Prick can refer to: James is a complete prick with a little prick. ... A principal is the chief administrator in an elementary school, secondary school, or high school. ... Asshole or arsehole (outside the U.S.) is a term referring to the anus. ...


There has also recently appeared a slew of jokes based on the fact that "Vovochka" can refer to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin (Russian: Владимир Владимирович Путин, pronunciation ▶(?), Pútin; born 7 October 1952) is a Russian politician and the current President of the Russian Federation. ...

  • Since the election of Vladimir Putin as president, all jokes about Vovochka should be considered political.

Chapayev

Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev, a Red Army officer, was a hero of the Russian Civil War and lead character of a popular movie. Together with his aide Petka (Peter), Anka The Machine-Gunner (supposedly a real life female gunner), and commissar Furmanov, he is very popular in Russian anecdotes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death while attempting to swim across the Ural River. Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev (January 28, 1887-September 5, 1919, all new style) (Russian Василий Иванович Чапаев) was a significant military commander during the Russian Civil War. ... This article is about the armed forces of the Soviet Union. ... The Russian Civil War was fought between 1918 and 1922. ... Commissar (комисса́р) was an official title used in post-revolutionary Russia and the Soviet Union. ... Furmanov may refer to Dmitri Furmanov, a Russian writer Furmanov (town), a town in Ivanovo Oblast, Russia This is a disambiguation page: a list of articles associated with the same title. ... White army may refer to: The military arm of the White movement, a loose coalition of anti-Bolshevik forces in the Russian Civil War The Saudi Arabian National Guard The National Guard of Kuwait This is a disambiguation page — a navigational aid which lists other pages that might otherwise share... There were a number of military academies in Soviet Union of different specialties. ... Length 2428 km Elevation of the source - m Average discharge - m³/s Area watershed - km² Origin Russia Mouth Caspian Sea Basin countries Russia, Kazakhstan The Ural River (Russian: Урал, Urál [formerly: Яик, Yaik River], Kazakh: Жайық, Zhayyq) flows through Russia and Kazakhstan. ...

  • "I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it is a bay stallion from 7th cavalry squadron." / "My fault, Vasili Ivanovich, I've just moved him to the 6th!"
  • Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka, then Chapayev. Petka says, "Anka, you lied to the Party about your proletarian descent! Your mother must have been a ballerina -- your legs are so slender!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, surely was a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"
  • On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exalting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it, you'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)
  • A teacher learns that Vovochka's grandfather fought during the Russian Civil War. She asks him to come to the class on the eve of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution and tell the kids about his memories. The old man stubbornly refuses, then reluctantly agrees. Kids meet him with excitement: "Say, gramps, did you see Chapayev with your own eyes?" / "Indeed I did. Here I am, lying behind a bump on the bank of the Ural river, a Maxim machine gun firmly in my hands. Suddenly I see someone swimming across. My Maxim goes 'tah-tah-tah-tah'. No more red swimmers!"

Caesar, originally a cognomen in ancient Rome, may mean: Julius Caesar (100 BC–44 BC), the most famous individual with the name. ... White army may refer to: The military arm of the White movement, a loose coalition of anti-Bolshevik forces in the Russian Civil War The Saudi Arabian National Guard The National Guard of Kuwait This is a disambiguation page — a navigational aid which lists other pages that might otherwise share... An anniversary (from the Latin anniversarius, meaning returning yearly) is a day that commemorates and/or celebrates an event that occurred on the same day of the year some time in the past. ... The October Revolution, also known as the Bolshevik Revolution, was the second phase of the Russian Revolution of 1917, the first having been instigated by the events around the February Revolution. ... Communism refers to a theoretical system of social organization and a political movement based on common ownership of the means of production. ... Horizon The horizon is the line that separates earth from sky. ... A steppe in Western Kazakhstan in early spring In physical geography, a steppe (from Russian step) is a plain without trees (apart from those near rivers and lakes); it is similar to a prairie, although a prairie is generally reckoned as being dominated by tall grasses, while short grasses are... The Russian Civil War was fought between 1918 and 1922. ... The October Revolution, also known as the Bolshevik Revolution, was the second phase of the Russian Revolution, the first having been instigated by the events around the February Revolution. ... An early Maxim gun in operation with the Royal Navy The Maxim gun was the first self-acting machine gun. ... This article is about the armed forces of the Soviet Union. ...

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson

These jokes involve Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson observing some incident, with Holmes making some unexpected, profound, or, on the contrary, completely trivial remark. The remark typically includes the phrase Elementary, my dear Watson. Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes (1854–1957, according to William S. Baring-Gould) is a fictional detective of the late 19th and early 20th centuries, created by British author and physician Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. ... Dr. John H. Watson is a fictional character, the sidekick of Sherlock Holmes, the fictional 19th century detective created by Arthur Conan Doyle. ... A famous misquotation is a well-known phrase attributed to someone who, in fact, did not say it. ...

  • Holmes and Watson go camping. During the night Holmes wakes Watson up, and asks, "What do these stars you see up above us suggest to you?" Dr. Watson thinks for a moment and says, "That's the Big Dipper. The fact that we can see it so well suggests that we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it suggest to you?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. Someone stole our tent while we slept."

Arguably the best joke about the duo is, unfortunately, completely impossible to render into other languages due to wordplay. Ursa Major is a constellation visible throughout the year in the northern hemisphere. ...

  • (L)
 "Watson," says Holmes, "you have once again pigged out on salami!" "How did you know? Is it because I'm a doctor?" "No, it's because you're being salamied." 

Originally, the joke runs as follows:

 "Vatson, Vy opyat' obozhralis' doktorskoj kolbasy!" "Kak Vy dogadalis', Holms? Eto potomu shto ya doktor?" "Net, Vatson, eto potomu shto Vas kolbasit!" 

"Doktorskaya Kolbasa" - literally, "Doctor's Sausage" or "Doctor's Cold Cuts" or "Doctor's Salami" (my God, there's just *no* way to render this without innuendo, huh?), a popular brand of kolbasa or cold-cuts in Soviet Russia. Holmes opens the dialogue with a statement to the effect that Watson has just pigged out on it. Watson answers in the affirmative and then wonders if Holms deduced this by virtue of Watson being a doctor. (It makes no logical sense in the original either - it's all about the puns.) Holmes denies this and says that he came to the conclusion when he observed Watson undergoing "sausage-convulsions" - the transitive verb "kolbasit'" denotes the consequences of having dropped too much acid, i.e. a state of unrest, panic, and all-around psychological and physiological unwellness.


Fantomas

Some older jokes involve Fantomas, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series by the same name, films based on which were once wildly popular in Russia. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantomas's talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters: Fantômas, a fictional master criminal and villain, is the subject of a series of early-20th century French detective thrillers. ... Fantômas, a fictional master criminal and villain, is the subject of a series of early-20th century French detective thrillers. ...

  • "Haha!" said Fantomas as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Carlo Ponti mask. "Haha!" said Inspector Juve later as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Sophia Loren mask.
  • (From the days of Golda Meir) Fantomas sneaks into Mao Zedong's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does has a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantomas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"

Sophia Loren in 1955 Sophia Loren (born September 20, 1934) is considered to be the most famous Italian actress of all time. ... Carlo Ponti (born December 11, Italian film producer. ... Golda Meir was the fourth Prime Minister of Israel Image:Stamp Golda Meir. ... Mao Zedong ▶(?) (December 26, 1893 – September 9, 1976; Mao Tse-tung in Wade-Giles) was the chairman of the Politburo of the Communist Party of China from 1943 and the chairman of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China from 1945 until his death. ...

Vanka and Manka

Vanka and Manka (i.e., Ivan and Mariya) are a rustic couple with typically Russian names, visiting a large city and confronted with urban civilization.

  • Vanka and Manka came to Moscow and went to a restaurant. Noticing that they were horribly out of fashion, they rush into a restroom, Manka cuts a deep decollete, using the cut fabric to hack bell-bottoms for Vanka's pants. Fixed up, they order lunch. The orchestra plays soft music. Manka purrs moodily: "My breast is on fire from Tchaikovsky's music!" Vanka looks up: "Dummy, take your tit out of your borscht!"

Cleavage is the partial exposure of a womans breasts, and/or the vertical line created by them, particularly when exposed by low-cut clothing. ... Bell bottoms are trousers that become more wide from the knees downwards. ... Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky (Russian Пётр Ильи́ч Чайко́вский, sometimes transliterated as Piotr, Anglicised as Peter Ilich), (May 7, 1840 – November 6, 1893 (N.S.); April 25, 1840 – October 25, 1893 (O.S.)) was a Russian composer of the Romantic era. ... chicken wing ...

New Russians

New Russians, i.e. the nouveaux riches, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and most popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his Mercedes with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircut, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding "600th Mers" and showing off their wealth. New Russian (новый русский - novyi russkiy in Russian) is a half-sarcastic term for newly rich businessmen in post-Soviet Russia, who got wealthy very quickly using semi-criminal methods during Russias chaotic transition to a market economy. ... Perestroika   listen? (Перестро́йка) is the Russian word (which passed into English) for the economic reforms introduced in June 1987 by the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. ... New Russian (новый русский - novyi russkiy in Russian) is a half-sarcastic term for newly rich businessmen in post-Soviet Russia, who got wealthy very quickly using semi-criminal methods during Russias chaotic transition to a market economy. ... This page is about the Mercedes-Benz brand of automobiles and trucks from the DaimlerChrysler automobile manufacturer. ... The Zaporozhets (Russian: , Zaporozhets; Ukrainian: , Zaporozhets’) was a brand name of subcompact cars designed and built from 1958 at the ZAZ factory in Soviet Ukraine (Zaporozhsky Avtomobilny Zavod, or Zaporozhsky Automobile Factory). ... Argot is primarily slang used by various groups, including but not limited to thieves and other criminals, to prevent outsiders from understanding their conversations. ... Crimson is a deep red color tinged with blue; however the name is also used for red colors in general. ... Military signalmen use hand and body gestures to direct flight operations aboard aircraft carriers. ... A Mercedes-Benz S-Class (model year 2000 or later) The Mercedes-Benz S-Class is an expensive luxury automobile designed and built by DaimlerChrysler in Stuttgart, Germany. ...

  • "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep in this 600th Mers." / "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus! So you'll ride as everyone else!"
  • "Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." "You got yourself conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
  • What did the New Russian say to the Old Jew? "Can I borrow some money, Dad?"
  • A New Russian and his son are walking along the shore. They see an artist painting a picture. "Yo see, son?" says the New Russian. "That's how bad it is without a camera."

Black sheep is a derogatory colloquial term in the English language meaning an outsider or one who is different in a way which others disapprove of. ...

Animals

Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature stereotypes, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, and the multi-dimensional Hedgehog.

  • The bear, the wolf, the hare and the fox are playing cards. The bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If I catch anyone cheating, I'll punch her in the face... that's right, her smug red-furred face!"
  • "If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the drunken hedgehog mused philosophically when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliche.)

In physics, a conservation law states that a particular measurable property of an isolated physical system does not change as the system evolves. ...

Drunkards

  • Two drunks get onto a bus. One of them asks "Will this bus take me to 25th Street?" The bus driver says, "No, it won't." After a pause, the other man inquires "What about me?"
  • A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 steps away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"
  • Three drunks are crawling along the rail tracks. "What a long staircase they have here!" / "And the banisters are so cold!" / "Hey guys, it's alright, the elevator is coming!"
  • Drunk #1 is slowly walking, bracing himself against a fence and stumbling. He comes across Drunk #2, who is lying next to the fence. "What a disgrace! Lying around like a pig! I'm ashamed for you." "You just keep on walking, demagogue! We'll see what you're gonna do when you run out of fence!"

A latrine is a method of disposal of human waste used in rural areas and much of the developing world. ...

Policemen

These often revolve around the supposition that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsionery accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.

  • An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian Special forces) involving various sized round holes and square pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: very dumb and very strong.
  • Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competition of militsia department #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 roubles and a ticket to Sochi resort... The first prize is a portable STOP sign. (There are several of versions with this punch line about stop sign. This one depicts some other Soviet peculiarities.)
  • Q: Why does the militsiaman uniform have five metal buttons on the cuffs of the sleeves?
A: To prevent him from wiping his nose with the sleeve.
Q: Why are these buttons so shiny?
A: They wipe their noses with their sleeves anyway.
  • A person on the bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "Specialization: one knows how to read, and another knows how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder -- a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation, Vasya."
  • Newspaper report: "Remarkable results were achieved yesterday by Militia-man Petrov during an intelligence test. Upon being presented with a Rubik's cube, it took Petrov only fifteen seconds to eat it!"

The OMON insignia OMON or Otryad Militsii Osobogo Naznacheniya (Russian: Отряд милиции особого назначения, ОМОН; literally: Special Purpose Detachment of Militsiya) is a generic name for the system of special units of militsiya within the Russian and earlier the Soviet, Ministerstvo Vnutrennih Del (MVD; Ministry of Internal Affairs). ... Special Forces are relatively small military units raised and trained for special operations missions such as Special Reconnaissance (SR), Unconventional Warfare (UW), Direct Action (DA), Counter-Terrorism (CT), and Foreign Internal Defense (FID). ... Socialist competition or socialist emulation (социалистическое соревнование, sotsialisticheskoye sorevnovanie, or соцсоревнование, sotssorevnovanie) was a form of competition between work collectives and between individuals practiced in the Soviet Union and in other Eastern bloc states. ... Militsiya (Russian: мили́ция; Ukrainian: міліція; literally Militia) was the generic name for the police in the Soviet Union and a few other Communist countries. ... Vladimir Ilyich Lenin (Russian: Влади́мир Ильи́ч Ле́нин listen â–¶(?)), original surname Ulyanov (Улья́нов) (April 22 (April 10 (O.S.)), 1870 – January 21, 1924), was a Russian revolutionary, the leader of the Bolshevik party, the first Premier of the Soviet Union, and the main theorist of Leninism, which he described as an adaptation of Marxism to... 1998 Russian Federation one rouble coin. ... Sochi Coat of Arms, adopted on 15 June 1967 Sochi (Russian: Со́чи) is the most popular Russian resort, situated in the Krasnodar Krai, near the Russian border with Abkhazia, Georgia. ... Stop sign used in English-speaking countries, as well as in the European Union Former European stop sign consisting of red Give Way triangle inside a circle A stop sign is a traffic sign, usually erected at road junctions, that instructs drivers to make a brief and temporary, but complete...

Army NCOs

Probably any nation big enough to have an army has a good deal of its own barracks jokes. Other than for plays on words, these jokes are usually international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a warrant officer (praporschik) is an archetypal bully of limited wit. A warrant officer (WO) is a member of a military organization holding one of a specific group of ranks. ...


There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a praporschik:

  • Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next scarecrow!"
  • Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence until lunch!"

The punchline "from the fence until lunch" has become a well-known Russian cliché for an endless meaningless job. A cliché (from French cliché, onomatopoeia for stereotype) originally was a printing term for a semi-permanently assembled piece of type which could easily be inserted into the document being printed. ...


Some of them are philosophical, and apply not only to warrant officers.

  • Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off. / Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" / "No time to think, gotta shake!".
  • Warrant officer to privates: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Comrade praporschik, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The officer checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, it's 100°, I've got it confused with right angles."

Commander and intellectual trooper: Allah is who made all of this. ...

  • A commander announces: - The platoon has been assigned to unload luminum - Aluminum, not luminum, corrects a trooper. - The platoon is going to unload luminum, repeats comander, - and the intellectual here is going to load shit.

Until shortly before perestroika, all fit male students of higher education had obligatory military courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve. A good deal of military jokes originated there. Perestroika   listen? (Перестро́йка) is the Russian word (which passed into English) for the economic reforms introduced in June 1987 by the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. ... Higher education is education provided by universities and other institutions that award academic degrees, such as university colleges, and liberal arts colleges. ... Modern Russian military ranks trace their roots to Table of Ranks established by Peter the Great. ... The Military Reserves are an organization that is associated with the military but is not in active duty. ...

  • "Soviet nuclear bombs are 20% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the most probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!" (A, B, V, G, D - the first five letters of the Russian alphabet.
  • "A nuclear bomb falls exactly on the epicenter."
  • "Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
  • "The attack is signaled with three green sirens into the zenith."
  • "An ellipsis is a circle inscribed into a square with dimensions 2 by 4."

Sometimes, these silly statements can cross-over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit: The mushroom cloud of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan, in 1945 lifted nuclear fallout some 18 km (60,000 feet) above the epicenter. ... The mushroom cloud of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki, Japan, 1945, rose some 18 km (11 mi) above the epicenter. ... The Cyrillic alphabet (or azbuka, from the old name of the first letters) is an alphabet used to write six natural Slavic languages (Belarusian, Bulgarian, Macedonian, Russian, Serbian, and Ukrainian) and many other languages of the former Soviet Union, Asia and Eastern Europe. ... The epicenter is directly above the earthquakes focus. ...

  • "Student, justify why you have come to class wearing pants produced by our most likely military opponent!" (here the teacher means jeans made in USA)

There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians: Blue Jeans Jeans are trousers made from denim. ...

  • Civilian: "You servicemen are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Serviceman: "If you are so smart, then why don't you march in files?"

Ethnic stereotypes

Russia (and especially the former Soviet Union) has been multiethnic for many centuries, and throughout their history several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often shared with those produced by other ethnicities (with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always). A joke is a short story or short series of words spoken or communicated with the intent of being laughed at or found humorous by the listener or reader. ...


Chukchi

Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka, the most remote northeast corner of Siberia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia -- many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (c.f. Poles in American humor, Belgians in French humor). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way. A propensity for constantly saying "odnako" - "however" - is a staple of Chukcha jokes. The term Chukchi may refer to Chukchi people Chukchi language This is a disambiguation page — a navigational aid which lists other pages that might otherwise share the same title. ... Chukotka Autonomous District (Russian: Чуко́тский автоно́мный о́круг; tr. ...

  • "Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" / "Why, is minus fifty Celsius outside, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge - a warm place!"
  • A Chukcha applies for membership in the Union of Soviet Writers, a state-controlled authors' labor union. He is asked what literature he is familiar with. "Have you read Pushkin?" "No." "Have you read Dostoevsky?" "No." "Can you read at all?" The Chukcha, offended, replies, "Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!"

Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate. The degree Celsius (°C or ℃ (Unicode 0x2103)) is a unit of temperature named after the Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius (1701–1744), who first proposed a similar system in 1742. ... Aleksandr Pushkin was a Russian poet and a founder of modern Russian literature Aleksandr Sergeyevich Pushkin (Russian: Алекса́ндр Серге́евич Пу́шкин listen ▶(?)) (June 6 (May 26, O.S.), 1799 - February 10 (January 29, O.S.), 1837) was a Russian Romantic author whom many consider the greatest Russian poet and the founder of modern Russian... Fyodor Dostoevsky. ...

  • A Chukcha and a Russian go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter, however," says the Chukcha. "Now you haul this bear ten miles to the yaranga yourself!"
  • A Chukcha and a Russian geologist are chased by a polar bears. Geologist pants out, "Why are we running? It's impossible to outrun a bear!". Chukcha replies, "I don't need to outrun a bear, I need to outrun a geologist".

Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations. Binomial name Ursus maritimus Phipps, 1774 The polar bear (Ursus maritimus), also known as white bear or northern bear, is a large bear native to the Arctic. ... Yaranga is a tent-like traditional mobile home of nomads of some Northern indigenous peoples of Russia, such as Chukchi. ... Binomial name Ursus maritimus Phipps, 1774 The polar bear (Ursus maritimus), also known as white bear or northern bear, is a large bear native to the Arctic. ...

  • A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh,", begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!"

Ukrainians

Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of bacon, and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.

  • A Ukrainian and an African are sitting in a train compartment. The African takes out a banana. The Ukrainian wonders what that is, and the African shares his banana with him. The Ukrainian then takes out some bacon. The African wonders what that is and asks if he may try it. The Ukrainian replies "It's just common bacon, why try it?"

In addition, Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (Moskali.)

  • The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian peasant, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mikola!" / "Yes!" / "The Russians have flown into space!" / "All of them?" / "No, not all of them!" / "So why are you bothering me?"

Georgians

Georgians are depicted as masculine and hot-blooded. Recently they are often depicted homosexual . A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words is considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself. For instance, the first joke below uses genatsvale, the Georgian equivalent of American English buddy, and Georgian "M"-reduplication, akin to Shm-reduplication in Yiddish and English. American English (AmE) is the form of the English language used mostly in the United States of America. ... Reduplication, in linguistics, is a morphological process in which the root or stem of a word, or only part of it, is repeated. ... Shm-reduplication is a form of reduplication, in which the word is repeated with the initial sound replaced with shm, such as in baby, shmaby. ... Yiddish (ייִדיש, Jiddisch) is a Germanic language spoken by about four million Jews throughout the world. ...


In Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running a black market business. It should however be noted that at that time Russians often applied the word "Georgians" (gruziny) to all people from the Caucasus, regardless of their actual nationality. There is a joke, probably based on a real event, that in some police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality". In Russia itself, most people saw "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. The black market is the sector of economic activity involving illegal economic dealings, typically the buying and selling of merchandise illegally. ... The Caucasus , a region bordering Asia Minor, is located between the Black Sea and the Caspian Sea which includes the Caucasus Mountains and surrounding lowlands. ...

  • A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47 gun and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with his blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Lisssn here genatsvale, no any Israel-Misrael, fly Moscow nonstop, my roses are fading!"

Tbilisi (Georgian თბილისი) — is the capital city of the country Georgia, located on the shore of Kura (Mtkvari) river, at 41°43′ N 44°47′ E. Tbilisi is also known by its former Turkish name Tiflis. ... Avtomat Kalashnikova model 1947 g. ... Moscow (Russian: Москва́, Moskva, IPA: listen â–¶(?)) is the capital of Russia, located on the river Moskva. ...

Armenians

Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing the some of stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio, usually telling political jokes (see below).


Estonians

Estonians, allegedly rustic and mean, are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn and taciturn. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of geminates both in speech and orthography (e.g. Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action. In phonetics, gemination is when a spoken consonant is doubled, so that it is pronounced for an audibly longer period of time than a single consonant. ... County Harju County Mayor Tõnis Palts Area 159. ... This article is about the island. ...

  • An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iit faaar tooo Tallinn?" — "Noot faaar." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iit faaar tooo Tallinn?" — "Nooow iiit's faaaar."
  • A promotion from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.

A handcar is a railroad car powered by its passengers. ...

Jews

Jewish humour is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, created largely based on the Jews' self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humour both in Russia and elsewhere in the world, see Jewish humor. The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish Accent (stretching out syllables, not pronouncing "r", etc.). The word Jew (Hebrew: יהודי transliterated: Yehudi) is used in many ways, but generally refers to a follower of Judaism, a child of a Jewish mother, or someone of Jewish descent with a connection to Jewish culture or ethnicity; and often a combination of these attributes. ... Self-irony is a conception of self that is disembodied and reflexive. ... Jewish humor is the long tradition of humor in Judaism dating back to the Torah and the Midrash, but generally refers to the more recent stream of verbal, self-depreciating and often anecdotal humor originating in Eastern Europe and which took root in the United States over the last hundred...

  • Avram cannot sleep, rolling about from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Avram, what's bugging you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Avram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Sleep, Avram! Now let Moishe lose sleep!"
  • Avram lies dying. "Sarah, are you here?" he asks. "Yes, I'm here." "Is Moishe here?" "Yes, he's here." "Is Rebecca here?" "She's here too." "Are the cousins here?" "Of course." "And all the grandchildren too?" "Here they are." "Then who's minding the store?"
  • "Why do Jews answer with a question?" / "Why, does that bother you?"
  • A Jewish student is caught studying Hebrew. He has an appointment with a representative of KGB, who asks him: "You're such a good student, nice extra-curricular activities, all the package, why do you need to study Hebrew?" / "So that if I die and go to Heaven, I can speak the local language." / (Cynically) "And what if you go to Hell?" / "Well, I figured, I already speak Russian."
  • One Odessa Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein is going to America!" / "Yeah, what for?" / "Haven't you heard, he developed this Relativity Theory." / "Yeah, what's that?" / "Well, you know, five hairs on your head is too few. Two hairs in your soup is too many." / "What, and he goes for that to America?!"

Chinese

Russian stereotypes about Chinese are probably the same as elsewhere in Western world: enormous numbers of Chinese people, their unusual-sounding language, and that Chinese are smart, cunning, industrious, and hard-working. They are capable of amazing feats by primitive means (e.g., from the history of the Great Leap Forward). The Great Leap Forward (Simplified Chinese: 大跃进; Traditional Chinese: 大躍進; pinyin: ) was a campaign by the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) of the Peoples Republic of China from 1958 to early 1960 aimed at using mainland Chinas plentiful supply of cheap labor to rapidly industrialize the country. ...

  • During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of 1-2 Million across the Border.
  • When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn.
  • The first report of the first Taikonaut: "Devices OK, boiler-men on duty!"
  • A good deal of jokes are puns based on the fact that a certain widespread Chinese syllable sounds exactly as the Russian obscene word for penis (хуй). For this reason since cca. 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most embarrassing case probably being the word "socialism" (社会主义; pinyin: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as "шэ-хуй-чжу-и".

The Sino-Soviet border conflict of 1969 was a series of armed clashes between the Soviet Union and Peoples Republic of China, occurring at the height of the Sino-Soviet split of the 1960s. ... General Name, Symbol, Number silver, Ag, 47 Chemical series transition metals Group, Period, Block 11, 5, d Appearance lustrous white metal Atomic mass 107. ... A selection of antique, hand-crafted Chinese jadeite jade buttons Jade An ornamental stone, jade is a name applied to two different silicate minerals. ... U.S. Space Shuttle astronaut Bruce McCandless II using a manned maneuvering unit. ... Fire exercise aboard the frigate La Motte-Picquet. ... The penis (plural penises) or phallus (plural phalli) is the external male copulatory organ of some animals, and, in mammals, the external male organ of urination. ... The color red and particularly the red flag are traditional symbols of Socialism. ... Pinyin (Chinese: 拼音, pīnyīn) literally means join (together) sounds (a less literal translation being phoneticize, spell or transcription) in Chinese and usually refers to Hànyǔ Pīnyīn (汉语拼音, literal meaning: Han language pinyin), which is a system of romanization (phonemic notation and transcription to Roman script) for Standard...

Russians

Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two other Westerners, like a German, French, American or Englishman, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his naive Western counterparts. Royal motto (French): Dieu et mon droit (Translated: God and my right) Englands location within the UK Official language English de facto Capital London de facto Largest city London Area - Total Ranked 1st UK 130,395 km² Population - Total (mid-2004) - Density Ranked 1st UK 50. ...

  • A French, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you the last wish." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The French asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why hadn't you done this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians do not attack unprovoked!"
  • A German, a French, and a Russian fly in an airplane. The German puts his hand out of the window. "We must be above Germany."/ "Why?" / "My hand smells like gun powder." They fly further. The Frenchman sticks his hand out. "We must be above France... My hand smells like perfume." They fly further. The Russian sticks his hand out. "We must be above Russia." / "Why?" / "My watch got stolen."
  • A British, a German, and a Russian speak about how they kill cows in their countries. British: "In our country, we use electroshock. The cow dies quickly, and doesn't feel any pain. The meat is very tender." German: "We let it listen to Bach first. The cow is very relaxed, and then we kill it with electroshock. The meat is even more tender." Russian: "Well, you walk in a Russian store, all you see is bones. I guess, we blow it up..."

Also when set against own minorities, Russians make fun of themselves. Safari may mean: Safari (travel), generally an overland journey, or a wildlife-watching tour, especially in Africa Safari (hunting), a hunting journey, mainly for big game Safari (web browser), a web browser for Apple Macintosh computers Safari may also refer to: Safari jacket, a type of clothing Ski-doo Safari... Cannibalism is the act or practice of eating members of the same species, e. ... Human rights are rights which some hold to be inalienable and belonging to all humans. ... The Peoples Friendship University of Russia (Росси́йский Университе́т Дру́жбы Наро́дов, РУДН) is located in Moscow. ... Moscow (Russian: Москва́, Moskva, IPA: listen â–¶(?)) is the capital of Russia, located on the river Moskva. ... A bratwurst is a fried sausage, composed of pork and beef (sometimes veal). ... Avtomat Kalashnikova model 1947 g. ...

  • A boy asks his father: "Dad, are we Russians or Jews?" / "Why are you asking?" / "A kid downstairs offers his bike for sale, and I'm trying to decide — should I bargain over it and buy it, or steal it and break it?"
  • A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine emerges. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Where did the Soviet submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West, bearing 149.5 degrees" "Thanks!" says the American, and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West bearing 149.5 degrees" "Stop pulling my leg," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"

Satellite photo of the Bering Strait Nautical chart of the Bering Strait The Bering Strait is a sea strait between Cape Dezhnev, the eastmost point of the Asian continent and Cape Prince of Wales, the westernmost point of the American continent, approximately 85 km (58 mi) in width, with a...

Political jokes

Every nation is fond of this category, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport (like mountaineering): according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code) "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital offense. If you were looking for the car, please see Mercury Mountaineer. ... Article 58 of the Russian SFSR Penal Code was put in force on February 25, 1927 to arrest those suspected guilty of counter-revolutionary activities. ... Death Penalty World Map Key: Blue: Abolished for all crimes Green: Abolished, except for crimes committed under certain circumstances (such as crimes committed in time of war) Orange: Abolished in practice Red: Legal form of punishment Capital punishment, also referred to as the death penalty, is the judicially ordered execution...

  • An advisor asks Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev: "Leonid Ilyich, I've heard you are a great fan and collector of political anecdotes? How many do you have already?" / "Twelve labor camps!"

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev listen ▶(?) (Russian: ) (December 19 (O.S. December 6) 1906 – November 10, 1982) was effective ruler of the Soviet Union from 1964 to 1982, though at first in partnership with others. ... GULAG (Russian: Glavonoye Upravleniye Lagerey, Main Camp Administration) was the branch of the Soviet secret police (the NKVD and later on the KGB) that dealt with concentration camps. ...

Early Soviet times

Jokes from these times are of historical value, portraying the character of the epoch as perfectly as long novels.

  • Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who's coming? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none..." "You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Greetings to the World Revolution!"

Saint Petersburg  listen (Russian: Санкт-Петербу́рг, English transliteration: Sankt-Peterburg), colloquially known as Питер (transliterated Piter), formerly known as Leningrad (Ленингра́д, 1924–1991) and Petrograd (Петрогра́д, 1914–1924), is a city located in Northwestern Russia on the delta of the river Neva at the east end of the Gulf of... The proletariat (from Latin proles, offspring) is a term used to identify a lower social class; a member of such a class is called a proletarian. ... Comrade is a term meaning friend, colleague, or ally. ... World revolution is a Marxist concept of a violent overthrow of capitalism that would take place in all countries, although not necessarily simultaneously. ...

Communism

According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself a socialist country trying to build communism, the utopian classless society. Communism refers to a theoretical system of social organization and a political movement based on common ownership of the means of production. ... The color red and particularly the red flag are traditional symbols of Socialism. ...

  • "Is it true that when communism comes we will be able to order our food via the telephone?" / "Yes, and we will enjoy it via the television."
  • Brezhnev is making a speech in Red Square, proclaiming the glories of the current Five-Year Plan: "In the near future, comrades, every Soviet citizen will have his own airplane!" Suddenly, from the rear of the crowd, an unseen heckler calls out, "What good does that do? There aren't even any potatoes in the stores!" Without missing a beat, an unperturbed Breshnev replies, "You idiot! That's exactly why you need a plane. Suppose you live in Moscow and they get a shipment of potatoes in Vladivostok!"
  • After waiting five hours in a line to buy meat, in the dead of winter, Igor begins to snap. He starts jumping up and down, yelling, "I can't stand it anymore! This developed Socialism sucks! The system is totally corrupt!" After a couple of minutes, a grim-looking type in a black trenchcoat approaches Igor, shakes his head slowly, points his finger to Igor's temple mimicking a pistol, then walks off without saying a word. Igor comes home especially dejected. His wife asks, "What's the matter? Are they out of meat again?" "Worse," Igor says. "They're out of ammo."
Everyone has a job, but no one does any work.
No one does any work, but production targets are always reached.
Production targets are always reached, but the shops are always empty.
The shops are always empty, but everyone has all they need.
Everyone has all they need, but no one is happy.
No one is happy, but they always vote for Communists.

Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans. Telephone This article is about telephone technology. ... Listen to this article · (info) This audio file was created from the revision dated 2005-07-07, and does not reflect subsequent edits to the article. ...

  • (L) "Lenin is dead, but his cause lives on!"
Punch line variant #1: Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."
Variant #2: What a coincidence: "Brezhnev is dead, but his body lives on."
(extra comedic effect in the latter case is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.
  • Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."
  • A chastushka ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:
The winter's passed,
The summer's here.
For this we thank
Our party dear!

Russian: Chastushka (часту́шка), a type of traditional Russian poetry, is a single quatrain in trochaic tetrameter with an abab or abcb rhyme scheme. ...

Прошла зима,
настало лето.
Спасибо партии
за это!

(Proshla zima, nastalo leto / Spasibo partii za eto!)


Some jokes allude at notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.

A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

The original version was about Cheka. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform "samooblozhenie" ("self-taxation") -- after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied. The KGB emblem and motto: The sword and the shield KGB (transliteration of КГB) is the Russian-language acronym for the Committee for State Security, (Russian: Комите́т Госуда́рственной Безопа́сности ▶(?); transliteration: Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti), and was the umbrella organisation name for (i) the principal Soviet internal Security Agency, (ii) the principal intelligence agency, and... Communism refers to a theoretical system of social organization and a political movement based on common ownership of the means of production. ... Cheka-KGB emblem: sword and shield The Cheka (ЧК in Russian) was the first of many Soviet secret police organizations. ... Kulaks (Russian: , kulak, fist, literally meaning tight-fisted; Ukrainian: , kurkul) is a derogative term extensively used in Soviet political language, originally referring to relatively wealthy peasants in the Russian Empire who owned larger farms and used hired labour, as a result of the Stolypin reform introduced since 1906. ...


Gulag

  • Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was released ahead of the time.
  • Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there so much."

GULAG (Russian: Glavonoye Upravleniye Lagerey, Main Camp Administration) was the branch of the Soviet secret police (the NKVD and later on the KGB) that dealt with concentration camps. ... A labor camp is a simplified detention facility where inmates are engaged in penal labor. ...

Armenian Radio

Main article Radio Yerevan

The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan" jokes are of format "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They give snappy or double-minded answers to questions on politics, commodities, economy or other no-no subjects of the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious Radio are known even outside Russia. Wikibooks Jokebook has more about this subject: Radio Yerevan Radio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes were very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century. ... Wikibooks Jokebook has more about this subject: Radio Yerevan Radio Yerevan, or Armenian Radio jokes were very popular in the Soviet Union and in other Communist countries of the ex-Eastern bloc since the second half of the 20th century. ...


Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?
A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. A public demonstration Freedom of speech is often regarded as an integral concept in modern liberal democracies, where it is understood to outlaw censorship. ... The southern side of the White House The White House is the official residence and principal workplace of the President of the United States. ... Aerial photo (looking NW) of the Washington Monument and the White House in Washington, DC. Washington, D.C., officially the District of Columbia (also known as D.C.; Washington; the Nations Capital; the District; and, historically, the Federal City) is the capital city and administrative district of the United... Ronald Wilson Reagan, (February 6, 1911 – June 5, 2004) was the 40th President of the United States (1981–1989) and the 33rd Governor of California (1967–1975). ... Saint Basils Cathedral and Spasskaya Tower of Moscow Kremlin at Red Square in Moscow. ... Moscow (Russian: Москва́, Moskva, IPA: listen ▶(?)) is the capital of Russia, located on the river Moskva. ...


Q: Have you heard that Academician Ambartsumian has just won a Volga car in state lottery?
A: Of course I have. Only he's no academician. He's a night watchman. And his name is not Ambartsumian. It's Rabinovich. And it was not a car. It was a hundred rubles. And he played preferans, not the state lottery. And he didn't win. But concerning everything else: yes, you're right. Viktor Amazaspovich Ambartsumian (Վիկտոր Համբարձումյան in Armenian, Виктор Амазаспович Амбарцумян in Russian) (September 18, 1908 (Julian calendar: September 5) – August 12, 1996) was an Armenian-Russian astronomer and astrophysicist. ... Volga is a brand name of various passenger cars from GAZ. // Models GAZ-21 The GAZ-21 Volga, the first car to carry the Volga name, was developed in the early to mid 1950s. ... Preference or preferans is a European trick-taking game popular in Russia and the Ukraine. ...


Political figures

Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.

  • Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "Shoot the driver!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Rehabilitate the driver!" But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

Lenin Iosif (usually anglicized as Joseph) Vissarionovich Stalin (Russian: Иосиф Виссарионович Сталин), original name Ioseb Jughashvili (Georgian: იოსებ ჯუღაშვილი; see Other names section) (December 21, 1879[1] – March 5, 1953) was a Bolshevik revolutionary and leader of the Soviet Union. ... Nikita Khrushchev in 1962 Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev (Russian: Ники́та Серге́евич Хрущёв) (nih-KEE-tah khroo-SHCHYOFF) (April 17, 1894 – September 11, 1971) was the leader of the Soviet Union after the death of Joseph Stalin. ... Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev  listen? ( Russian: Леони́д Ильи́ч Бре́жнев) ( December 19, 1906 – November 10, 1982) was effective ruler of the Soviet Union from 1964 to 1982, though at first in partnership with others. ... Vladimir Ilyich Lenin ( Russian: Влади́мир Ильи́ч Ле́нин  listen?), original surname Ulyanov (Улья́нов) ( April 22 (April 10 ( O.S.)), 1870 – January 21, 1924), was a Russian revolutionary, the leader of the Bolshevik party, the first Premier of the Soviet Union, and the founder of the ideology of Leninism. ...


A popular joke set-up is Lenin, leader of the Russian revolution of 1917, interacting with the head of the secret police, Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd. Vladimir Ilyich Lenin ( Russian: Влади́мир Ильи́ч Ле́нин  listen?), original surname Ulyanov (Улья́нов) ( April 22 (April 10 ( O.S.)), 1870 – January 21, 1924), was a Russian revolutionary, the leader of the Bolshevik party, the first Premier of the Soviet Union, and the founder of the ideology of Leninism. ... Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinsky (Феликс Эдмундович Дзержинский; September 11, 1877 - July 20, 1926) was a Polish Communist revolutionary, famous as the founder of the Bolshevik secret police, the Cheka, later known by many names. ...

  • During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny and wishes to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"
  • (Concerning the amount of Lenin propoganda) A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a hedgehog. These are city kids, and have never seen a hedgehog. "Do you know who this is?" Asks the teacher. "He's a character in many stories, and is always wise and nice." One student pats the heghehog and says, "Oh, I knew it was you, grandpa Lenin."

Stalin Iosif (usually anglicized as Joseph) Vissarionovich Stalin (Russian: Иосиф Виссарионович Сталин), original name Ioseb Jughashvili (Georgian: იოსებ ჯუღაშვილი; see Other names section) (December 21, 1879[1] – March 5, 1953) was a Bolshevik revolutionary and leader of the Soviet Union. ...


Jokes about Stalin are of morose, dark humour, Stalin's words told with a heavy Georgian accent.

  • "Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!".
  • Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Khrushchev Nikita Khrushchev in 1962 Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev (Russian: Ники́та Серге́евич Хрущёв) (nih-KEE-tah khroo-SHCHYOFF) (April 17, 1894 – September 11, 1971) was the leader of the Soviet Union after the death of Joseph Stalin. ...


Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize (corn). He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism within 20 years, or just his baldness, rude manners, and womanizing ambitions. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless. Binomial name Zea mays L. Maize (Zea mays ssp. ... Communism refers to a theoretical system of social organization and a political movement based on common ownership of the means of production. ...

  • Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of Stalin, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to punish". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya).
  • - What did Khrushchev fail to achieve?
- Building a bridge along the Moscow River, combining a bathtub with a flush toilet, and splitting the Ministry of Transportation into the Ministry of Arrivals and the Ministry of Departures. (The bathtub-toilet combination pokes at the combined bathroom-and-restrooms in Khrushchev's mass-built cheap apartment blocks. Russians traditionally prefer the two to be separate.)
  • Q: Who is the greatest magician in the Soviet Union? A: Khrushchev: he sows in Kazakhstan and harvests in Canada.", a reference to the Soviet Union's need to import grain from North America.

(There were similar jokes about Lysenko, a proponent of revival of agriculture through creation of new giant species of crops. United Nations General Assembly The United Nations General Assembly (GA) is one of the six principal organs of the United Nations. ... Tsar Bomba casing on display at Arzamas-16 Tsar Bomba (Russian: Царь-бомба, literally Tsar Bomb), developed by the Soviet Union, is the largest nuclear explosive ever detonated, and the most powerful device ever employed by humans. ... Novaya Zemlyas position on the map The archipelago of Novaya Zemlya (Russian: Но́вая Земля́, New Land; formerly known as Nova Zembla) consists of two major islands in the Arctic Ocean in the north of Russia, separated by the narrow Matochkin Strait, and a number of smaller ones. ... Moskva River (Москва́), also known as the Moscow River, is a small river over 400 miles long, situated in Russia, Eastern Europe. ... A bathtub A bathtub (in the UK simply bath) is a plumbing fixture used for bathing. ... Flush toilet A flush toilet or water closet (WC) is a toilet that disposes of the waste products by using water to sweep them away down a drainpipe. ... World map showing North America A satellite composite image of North America North America is a continent in the northern hemisphere bordered on the north by the Arctic Ocean, on the east by the North Atlantic Ocean, on the south by the Caribbean Sea, and on the west by the...

  • Q: What did Lysenko die from? A: He fell from a strawberry.)

Brezhnev Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev  listen? ( Russian: Леони́д Ильи́ч Бре́жнев) ( December 19, 1906 – November 10, 1982) was effective ruler of the Soviet Union from 1964 to 1982, though at first in partnership with others. ...


Brezhnev was depicted as a dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur. Dementia (from Latin demens) is progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the brain beyond what might be expected from normal aging. ... A delusion is commonly defined as a fixed false belief and is used in everyday language to describe a belief that is either false, fanciful or derived from deception. ...

  • Brezhnev keeps addressing Indira Gandhi as "Mrs Thatcher" in a speech, shouting at his advisors "I can see it's Gandhi, in my speech it says Thatcher."
  • At the 1980 olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the olympic logo, you don't need to read it!"
  • (L) "Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Lenin.)
  • "Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
  • To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how you can rule a country; Stalin showed how you should rule a country; Khrushchev showed that any moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not every moron can rule a country.
  • (Brezhnev supposedly wrote a famous Autobiography, which many people suspected of having been written by others for him) Brezhnev is sitting in his office. A general enters the room. "Have you read my Autobiography?" Brezhnev asks. "Yes, sir. It was very good," answers the general. A few minutes later, another subordinate enters the office. "Have you read my Autobiography?" asks Brezhnev. "Yes, sir. An excellent work."

"Hmmm," thinks Brezhnev, "Maybe I should read it too." Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi (इन्दिरा प्रियदर्शिनी गान्धी) (November 19, 1917 – October 31, 1984) was Prime Minister of India from January 19, 1966 to March 24, 1977, and from January 14, 1980 until her assassination in 1984. ... The Right Honourable Margaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher, LG, OM, PC, FRS (born 13 October 1925), is a British stateswoman. ... The Gold Star is the highest decoration of excellence in the Soviet Union and Russia. ...


Geriatric intermezzo


Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: coffin carriage racing. Rabinovich (see above) said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds: "Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!" "Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!" Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev listen ▶(?) (Russian: ) (December 19 (O.S. December 6) 1906 – November 10, 1982) was effective ruler of the Soviet Union from 1964 to 1982, though at first in partnership with others. ... Yuri Vladimirovich Andropov (Ю́рий Влади́мирович Андро́пов), (June 2 (O.S.) = June 15 (N.S.), 1914 – February 9, 1984) was a Soviet politician and General Secretary of the CPSU from November 12, 1982 until his death just sixteen months later. ... Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko (Russian: ) (September 24, 1911 – March 10, 1985) was a Soviet politician and General Secretary of the CPSU who led the Soviet Union from February 13, 1984 until his death just thirteen months later. ...


Gorbachev Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev (Russian: ; Pronunciation: mih-kha-ILL ser-GHE-ye-vich gor-bah-CHOFF) (born March 2, 1931), was leader of the Soviet Union from 1985 until 1991. ...


Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed his slogans and ineffective actions, his mark, Raisa Gorbachev's poking her nose everywhere, as well as Soviet-American relations. Mikhail Sergeyevich Gorbachev (Russian: ; Pronunciation: mih-kha-ILL ser-GHE-ye-vich gor-bah-CHOFF) (born March 2, 1931), was leader of the Soviet Union from 1985 until 1991. ... Raisa Maximovna Gorbacheva (Russian: Раи́са Макси́мовна Горбачёва), maiden name Raisa Maximovna Titarenko (Раи́са Макси́мовна Титаре́нко) (January 5, 1932 - September 20, 1999) was the wife of the last leader of the Soviet Union. ...

  • In a restaurant:
-Why the meatballs are of cubic shape?
-Perestroika!
-Why are they undercooked?
-Uskoreniye! (acceleration)
-Why are they bitten?
-Gospriyomka (state approval)
-Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?
-Glasnost!
  • What is glasnost?
  • Truth, the whole truth, and... nothing else... but truth.

The Yeltsin era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies. A meatball is a ball of minced meat and other ingredients, such as bread, breadcrumbs, minced onion, various spices or eggs, usually fried in a pan, or baked in an oven. ... Perestroika   listen? (Перестро́йка) is the Russian word (which passed into English) for the economic reforms introduced in June 1987 by the Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. ... Uskoreniye (Russian: ) was a slogan and a politics announced by Mikhail Gorbachev on April 20 1985 at a Party Plenum, aimed at the acceleration of social and economical development of the Soviet Union. ... Glasnost (Russian: гла́сность, listen â–¶(?)) was one of Mikhail Gorbachevs policies introduced to the Soviet Union in 1985. ... Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin (b. ...

  • When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")

Political jokes under Vladimir Putin mostly play on his KGB background and usually tied to some particular issue. 28th Congress of the CPSU (July 2, 1990—July 13, 1990) was held in Moscow. ... Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin (Russian: Владимир Владимирович Путин, pronunciation ▶(?), Pútin; born 7 October 1952) is a Russian politician and the current President of the Russian Federation. ... The KGB emblem and motto: The sword and the shield KGB (transliteration of КГB) is the Russian-language acronym for the Committee for State Security, (Russian: Комите́т Госуда́рственной Безопа́сности ▶(?); transliteration: Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti), and was the umbrella organisation name for (i) the principal Soviet internal Security Agency, (ii) the principal intelligence agency, and...

  • (L) –Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to stop the inflation. / –Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it held back...and jailed.

The comical effect is achieved by the fact that Russian zadierzhat' means both to hold back and to detain.


KGB

Telling jokes about KGB was like pulling the tail of a tiger, but... The KGB emblem and motto: The sword and the shield KGB (transliteration of КГB) is the Russian-language acronym for the Committee for State Security, (Russian: Комите́т Госуда́рственной Безопа́сности ▶(?); transliteration: Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti), and was the umbrella organisation name for (i) the principal Soviet internal Security Agency, (ii) the principal intelligence agency, and...

  • A hotel. A room for four; four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka, get acquainted, drunk, and noisy, singing and telling jokes. The fourth one tries to get some sleep, finally, frustrated, he leaves the room and asks a maid to bring tea to Room 67 in 10 minutes. Then he comes back in, and 5 minutes later says loudly into an electrical outlet: "Comrade Major, tea to Room 67, please." In 5 minutes, a knock at the door, tea comes, the room falls dead silent. The next morning this guy wakes up, alone in the room. Surprised, he asks the maid where the neighbors are. "We've already checked them out", she answers. "And by the way, Comrade Major was rolling on the floor laughing after your joke with the tea."

Having originated in Central Europe, vodka is now drunk around the world. ...

Everyday Soviet life

  • Q: What is the relationship between the ruble, the pound, and the dollar? A: A pound of rubles costs a dollar.
  • Q: What is more useful — our newspapers or our television? A: Newspapers, of course; you can use them to wrap herring.
  • A man walks into a store: "You don't have any meat, do you?" / "No, we don't have any fish. The store next door is the one that doesn't have any meat."
  • A man is showing his friends around his new apartment. One of them asks, "How come you don't have any clocks?" The man responds, "But I do have one. I have a talking clock." / "But where?" / He takes a hammer and strikes a wall. From the other side of the wall, somebody yells, "It's 2AM, you bastard!"

Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union: Family Clupeidae This article needs to be cleaned up to conform to a higher standard of quality. ... The word indoctrination has accumulated negative connotations over the past century. ...

Others poked fun at the time it could take for consumer goods in the Soviet Union to be delivered: Cooking is the act of preparing food for consumption. ... The October Revolution, also known as the Bolshevik Revolution, was the second phase of the Russian Revolution of 1917, the first having been instigated by the events around the February Revolution. ... Soviet industry was usually divided into two major categories. ...

  • "Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
  • Q: What is a tundra toilet? A: Two poles. One to hold on and another to beat the wolves off.

A small variety of cars, the most popular kind of automobile. ... In physical geography, tundra is an area where the tree growth is hindered by low temperatures and short growing seasons. ...

Puns

Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on puns. Of course, 95% of humour is lost in translation, but... A pun (also known as paronomasia) is a figure of speech which consists of a deliberate confusion of similar words or phrases for rhetorical effect, whether humorous or serious. ...

  • (L) The genitive plural of a noun (used with a numeral to indicate five or more of something, as opposed to the dual, used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns) is a rather unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and there are a handful of words which native speakers have trouble producing this form of (either due to rarity or an actual lexical gap). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled out, a debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the typically-pedantic bureaucrats. Finally, an old janitor overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two separate requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. (In reality, a bureaucrat would likely resort to a trick like "Kocherga: 5 items"; a similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko involves yet another answer.)

The genitive case is a grammatical case that indicates a relationship, primarily one of possession, between the noun in the genitive case and another noun. ... Look up Plural on Wiktionary, the free dictionary Plural is a grammatical number, typically referring to more than one of the referent in the real world. ... A noun, or noun substantive, is a part of speech (a word or phrase) that refers to a person, place, thing, event, substance or quality. ... Dual is the grammatical number used for two referents. ... Russian grammar encompasses: a highly synthetic morphology a syntax that, for the literary language, is the conscious fusion of three elements: a Church Slavonic inheritance; a Western European style; a polished vernacular foundation. ... A bureaucrat is a member of a bureaucracy, usually within an institution of the government. ... Mikhail Mikhailovich Zoshchenko (1895 - 1958) was a Russian satirist of the Soviet period. ...

Eggs

A Russian slang for 'testicle' is 'egg' It is not exactly slang, but ratrer a taboo word: "testicle" (yaichko) and "egg" (yaitso) have the same root, the former being a diminutive form of the latter, even the educated people use the same word for 'testicle' and 'egg'. A surprizingly large variety of jokes capitalize on this, ranging from extremely silly to elegant ones. Look up testicle on Wiktionary, the free dictionary. ... An average Whooping Crane egg is 102 mm long, and weighs 208 grams A baby tortoise emerges from a reptile egg. ... Profanity is a word choice or usage which its audience considers to be offensive. ...

  • St. Petersburg. Hermitage Museum. A display of a genuine work of Peter Carl Fabergé. The caption reads: "Fabergé. Autoportrait. (Fragment)"
  • A train compartment. A family: a small daughter, her mother and grandma. The fourth passenger is a Georgian. Mother starts feeding a soft-boiled egg to the daughter with a silver spoon. Grandma: "Don't you know that eggs can spoil silver?" — "Who would have known!", thinks the Georgian and replaces his silver cigarette case from the front pants pocket to the back one.
  • See 'Chastushka' article for a yet another example.

Saint Petersburg (Russian: Санкт-Петербу́рг, English transliteration: Sankt-Peterburg), colloquially known as Питер (transliterated Piter), formerly known as Leningrad (Ленингра́д, 1924–1991) and Petrograd (Петрогра́д, 1914–1924), is a city located in Northwestern Russia on the delta of the river Neva at the east end of the Gulf of Finland... The Hermitage Museum (Эрмитаж) in St. ... Peter Carl Fabergé (May 30, 1846 – September 24, 1920) was a Russian jeweller, best known for his fabulous Fabergé eggs, made in the style of genuine Easter eggs, but using precious metals and gemstones rather than more mundane materials. ... Chastushka (часту́шка), a type of traditional Russian poetry, is a single quatrain in trochaic tetrameter with an abab or abcb rhyme scheme. ...

Religion

A notable distinction of the Soviet humor is virtual lack of jokes on religious topics. Clearly, this is not because Russians are so pious. Those few are told in supposedly Church Slavonic language: archaic words are used and unstressed "o" is clearly pronounced as "o" (in modern Russian "Muscovite" speech it is reduced to "a") and rare names of distinctively Greek origin are used. Priests are supposed to speak in basso profondo. The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour in Moscow was demolished as part of the Soviet struggle with religion. ... Page from the Spiridon Psalter in Church Slavonic. ... A basso (or bass) is a male singer who sings in the lowest vocal range of the human voice. ...

  • (L) At the lesson of the Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, is the soul separable from the body or not." / "Separable, Father." / "Verily speakest thou. Substantiate thy reckoning." / "Yesterday morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice voicing: (imitates bass) '...And now, my soul, arise and get thee dressed.' " / "Substantiatest... But in vulgar!" (The Russian phrase that translates literally as "my soul" is a term of endearment, often toward romantic partners, comparable to English "my darling")
  • A lass in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus, the bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a priest. She jumps up, surprised, looks down and says, "Whoa!" / "It's not a 'whoa', my daughter, but rather the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!"
  • A religious Jew decides to become a New Russian businessman. He gets rid of his yamakah, shaves his beard, buys a thick golden chain and a Mercedes, and then, walking across the street, is killed by a car. He goes up to heaven, and asks G-d: "Why did this happen to me? I was so pious all my life! What, I can't have some fun even for a day?" G-d answers: "Moishe? You?!.. Sorry, you looked so different, didn't recognize you..."

The term vulgar originally meant of the common people, from the Latin vulgus. ... View of the cathedral in 1905 The Cathedral of Christ the Saviour (Russian: Храм Христа Спасителя) is the largest Orthodox church in the world. ...

Absurdity

A class of jokes relies on the uncategorizable absurdity of human life:

  • Anguish: A house in the middle of a desolate steppe. A man walks out, yells at the top of his voice, "Darn you-u-u-u!". Waits for the echo: "you-u-u...". Satisfied, he goes back in.
  • A man is driving along the highway. His rear axle falls off. "No problem," he thinks, "If I concentrate hard enough, there'll be someone with a rear axle for me after the next curve." Drives around the curve. No one. "Obviously I didn't concentrate hard enough. The next curve is it!". Drives around the next curve. A guy is standing there. The driver stops. "Well?" / "Leave me alone, will you? I don't have your rear axle!!"

Black humour

  • An old woman stands in the market with a "Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."

Chernobyl area. ... Basidiocarps (mushrooms) of the fungus Leucocoprinus sp. ...

University students

The life of most Russian university students is often associated with a lack of money, hunger, and other miserable conditions for many people coming from small towns and living in dormitories. State universities (the only type of universities in existence in Soviet times) are notable for carelessness about the students' comfort and the quality of food. Most jokes make fun of these grotesque conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, and sometimes even about alcoholic tendencies of engineering students.


Also, there are a number of funny student obsessions such as zachetka (a transcript of grades, carried by every student), khalyava (a chance of getting good or acceptable grades without any effort) and getting a scholarship for good grades. Also, it should be noted that the standard exam format is usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student draws at random in the exam room, and is given some time to prepare answers for.

  • A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died [from eating it].
  • A crocodile's stomach can stomach concrete. A student's stomach can stomach that of a crocodile.
  • In a lecture there are 3 students in the class. Suddenly, 5 students stand up and leave. The professor thinks to himself, "If another 2 people come in, then there will be nobody listening."
  • A professor is tired of talking to an ignorant student during an exam, and asks him, "What, in your opinion, is an exam?" / "It is a discussion of the subject matter between two intelligent people." / "What if one of those two is an idiot?" / "Then the other one will lose his scholarship."

Abstract jokes

"Abstract joke" (or "abstract humor") is a Russian term for a non-joke. This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Wikipedias deletion policy. ...

  • A brick lays under the sun, warms itself. A gaggle of geese flies by. "Hello, brick! Let's fly South!" The brick thought for a while and started smoking a pipe.
  • A cow went a-fishing and sees an elephant swimming by. "Hello, cow! Is it far to a bridge?" / "Which one do you want: across or along the river?" / "It doesn't matter to me, I am wearing silk stockings!"

Cowboy jokes

Cowboy jokes is a popular series about a Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboys, and of course the perception that in Texas everything is big. It is usually difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions. Great Basin region, typical American West The Western United States has played a significant role in history and fiction. ... A cowboy (Spanish vaquero) tends cattle and horses on cattle ranches in North and South America. ...

In a saloon.
- The guy over there really pisses me off!
- There are four of them; which one?
(Three shots ring out.)
- The one still standing!
A cowboy is riding across a prairie. A voice in his head tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the voice.

Prairie refers to an area of land in North America of low topographic relief that principally supports grasses and herbs, with few trees, and is generally of a mesic (moderate or temperate) climate. ...

Jokes about the mentally ill

  • An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees the patients diving into an empty pool head-first. "What are they doing?", he asks the nurse. "The chief psychiatrist promised to fill the pool with water when they learn to dive safely."
  • An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees the patients hanging off the curtains. Baffled, he asks the chief psychiatrist about the reason of such behavior. The doctor replies, "They think they are leaves. Just tell them, 'The fall has come,' and they will jump down." The inspector does as told, and they all jump down. Proud of himself, he goes into the next room and sees the same picture. He says "The fall has come" several times, but the patients continue clinging to the curtains. Finally, one of them shouts at the inspector, "Why are you shouting? We're evergreens!"
  • A patient tells the doctor that he cannot live with his roommate anymore. "Why not?" / "Because at night he starts pretending he is a lamp." / "And why does that bother you?" / "I cannot fall asleep when there's too much light."

The concept of "mental hospital" is also often used to poke fun at the political system.

A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."

Taboo vocabulary

Obscene slang known as mat is the salt and pepper of the vast majority of Russian joke narration. Unfortunately this aspect is nearly impossible to render in English. However, there are two particular types of jokes that rely, as the primary source of humor, on the expected, casual usage of obscenity common particularly in the speech of the lower social classes, where it is possible to explain the mechanism of the humor. Slang is the non-standard use of words in a language of a particular social group, and sometimes the creation of new words or importation of words from another language. ... Mat (Russian: мат, or ма́терный язы́к) is Russian sexual slang, revolving particularly around the use of specific generally unprintable vulgar words. ...


In one series, a typical plot goes as follows. A construction site expects an inspection from the higher-ups, and a foreman warns the workers to watch their tongues. Next day, during the tour for VIPs a worker drops a hammer from the fourth floor right on the head of his colleague... The punch line is an exceedingly polite, classy utterance in response from the mouth of an injured. Punchline is also the name of a 1988 film. ...


(L) Another series of jokes is based on the fact that, with sufficient context, the root of many Russian nouns, verbs, and adjectives, may be replaced with the root of the vulgar Russian word for "penis", with no loss of meaning of the sentence, since the listener can derive its meaning based on context and the affixes surrounding the root (a similar phenomenon, also a frequent target of humor, exists in English with the word fuck, but Russian's rich morphology allows much more flexibility for the Russian version of the same). The goal of a joke in this series is to apply this type of substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. In an extreme example, the following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker turns out to retain its meaning even with all its 11 words altered this way. The penis (plural penises) or phallus (plural phalli) is the external male copulatory organ of some animals, and, in mammals, the external male organ of urination. ... An affix is a morpheme that is attached to a base morpheme such as a root or to a stem, to form a word. ... Fuck is a strong and generally provocative swearword in Modern English and is one of the best-known vulgarisms in the English-speaking world. ... Morphology is a subdiscipline of linguistics that studies word structure. ...

- Why did you load on so much of this stuff? Unload it anywhere you want!
- No! There is no need to unload! It got loaded just fine!

Word-by-word:

- Na **ya (why) do**ya (so much) **yni (of stuff) na**yarili (you heaped)? Ras**yarivay (deheap) na**y! (out of here)
- **ya! (No way) Ne**y (No need) ras**yovyvavat (to remove)! Na**yucheno ((It) was heaped) ni**yovo! (well)

After this example one may readily believe in the following semi-apocrific story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark, so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People's Control quickly figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all tools and parts only by their mat-based names: '**yuska', '**yovina', '**yatina' '**yatinka', etc.; the same with technological processes: 'ot**yachit', 'pri**yachit', '**ynut', 'za**yarit',...


Finally, there is the self-referential Boatswain Joke, which is one of a kind and known to produce macho contests of who composes the most elaborate, flowering, multi-level obscene masterpiece for the boatswain to utter, but always ends with the same punchline. A loosely translated classical version is as follows: A boatswain (pronounced and often spelt bosun, derived from boat and swain meaning a young man, a follower, retainer or servant. ...

Boatswain stepped out the hatch on the deck, stumbled upon an anchor and flopped flat.
"You f*cking buggered f*cked-up shitty c*nt, rotting in motherf*cking dick-and-balls filthy hell of f*ckedness!" said the boatswain, and swore profusely.

See also

Yakov Smirnoff (born January 24, 1951) is, according to his own description, a Russian-born American comedian. ... A recurring theme in the literary, theatrical and film tradition of comedy is the of stock characters representing authority figures, designed to poke fun at officialdom by showing that its members are not immune to entanglement in the ridiculous. ...

External links

Wikibooks
Wikibooks has more about this subject:
Jokebook:Russian Jokes
  • 1001 Soviet political anecdotes (in Russian) at Wikisource
  • Jokebook:Russian Jokes at English Wikibooks
  • anekdot.ru, the most popular Russian humor website (in Russian)
  • [1]

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