Herbert Kornfeld, also known as H-Dog, was a recurring fictional columnist for the parody newspaper The Onion. He was the accounts receivable ("A.R.") supervisor for the fictional Midstate Office Supply, "tha largest an' dopest retaila an' distributa' of office supplies in tha whole muthafuckin' state". While his portrait depicted a nerdy, skinny and bespectacled white American male dressed in a conservative business suit, his columns were written to imitate Ebonics, with a heavy gangsta rap flair. The Onion is a parody newspaper published weekly in print and online. ... Accounts receivable is one of a series of accounting transactions dealing with the billing of customers who owe money to a person, company or organization for goods and services that have been provided to the customer. ... Look up nerd in Wiktionary, the free dictionary. ... The term White American officially refers to people of European, Middle Eastern, and North African descent residing in the United States. ... Note: This page or section contains IPA phonetic symbols in Unicode. ... This article does not cite any references or sources. ...

Kornfeld was a workaholic, frequently spending his time off downtown doing "freestyle" unsolicited bookkeeping. His best friend and mentor was fellow accountant CPA-ONE(R.I.P.), who was killed in minimum-security prison by a fellow inmate who fired a tennis ball machine at him from point-blank range on the prison tennis court. He usually kept the "Letta Opener of Death" close by to fend off rival accounting gangs. His 2-year-old son Tanner (also known as "Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second") is the result of a relationship with Agnes in the Cash Room. He had an ongoing feud with Myron Schabe, "tha Accountz Payabo supervisa," whom Kornfeld often derided as a "geeza". He frequently referred to his car, a 1981 Buick Regal, as the "Nite Rida" (sometimes spelled "Nite Ridahh"). He used (and thereby endorsed) products such as Members Only Jackets and Successories. Surprisingly, Kornfeld had "mad hate foe that wack hip-hop shit", prefering artists like "Hall N' Oatz, Neily D, and that band that supply air" instead. Accounts payable is a file or account that contains money that a person or company owes to suppliers, but hasnt paid yet. ... The Buick Regal was a mid-size automobile produced by General Motors Buick division from 1973 through 2004, during which Buick also used the Century name on mid-size models; the two frequently shared bodies and powertrains. ... Knight Rider was a popular American television series that ran between September 26, 1982, and August 8, 1986. ... This article needs additional references or sources for verification. ... Success is a journey, not a destination. ...

The style of Kornfeld's columns were best exemplified by their titles: "I Am A Bad Ass", "Human-Resources Bitches Be Makin' Me Take Vacation Days", "True A.R. Bruthas Don't Take No Layba Day Off", and "I Gots To Represent At Tha Muthafuckin' Company Picnic". The article describing the birth of his son was titled "Cash Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie". His first column, "Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk", appeared in The Onion in November 1997. Labor Day is a United States federal holiday that takes place on the first Monday in September. ...

Death

In a "News In Brief" blurb in the May 1, 2007 issue of the Onion, Kornfeld's life was claimed by an act of "white-on-white violence" in the form of repeated blows to his skull with the cover of an office copier by an unknown assailant. His death came less than a week after releasing his first op-ed column in several years. In this final article, he hinted that his days of "officin' " were numbered, as many of his A.R. cohorts (Petty Ka$h, Sir Casio KL7000, Kount Von Numbakrunch, and AirGoNomic) had been incarcerated and the ascendant Accounts Payable posse sought revenge for his previous successes against them. According to the blurb, Kornfeld's position as Accounts Receivable Supervisor will be filled by 23-year old Accounts Receivable Assistant Supervisor Irving Weinbaum, a recent Midstate hire whom Kornfeld recognized as a mirror image of his younger, number-crunching self. is the 121st day of the year (122nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. ... Year 2007 (MMVII) is now the current year, a common year starting on Monday of the Gregorian calendar and the AD/CE era. ... Accounts payable is a file or account that contains money that a person or company owes to suppliers, but hasnt paid yet. ... It has been suggested that this article be split into articles entitled Editorial and Op-ed. ...

External links

• Herbert Kornfeld's columns, The Onion
• Midstate Office Supply, sponsored by the The Onion